Farty Facts

---

Vain
You love the smell of your own farts.

Amiable
You love the smell of other people's farts.

Proud
You think your farts are exceptionally fine.

Shy
You release silent farts and then blush.

Impudent
You boldly fart out loud and then laugh.

Anti-Social
When the need arises, you excuse yourself from the room and fart in private.

Strategic
You fart and then conceal it with loud coughing.

Sadistic
You fart in bed and then pull the cover up over your partner's head.

Intellectual
You can determine from the smell of any fart exactly what food item had been consumed.

Athletic
You fart at the slightest exertion.

Miserable
You would love to let one out, but you are unable to fart.

Sensitive
You fart and then start crying.

Unfortunate
You try really hard to fart, but you poop instead.

Scientific
You fart regularly but you're concerned about pollution.

Nervous
You stop in the middle of your fart.

Honest
You admit that you farted but offer good medical reasons.

Dishonest
You far and then blame the dog.

Foolish
You suppress your farts for hours.

Thrifty
You always keep a couple of good farts in reserve.

The Alarm Fart
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

 The Amplified Fart
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.

 The Bathtub Fart
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,

 The Biggest Fart in the World Fart
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.

 The Burning Brakes Fart
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

 The Car Door Fart
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

 The Celestial Fart
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

 The Chinese Firecracker Fart
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.

 The Crowd Fart
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.

 The Did an Angel Speak Fart
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.

Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.

Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'  

Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.

 Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

 Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

 Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

 Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

 Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

 SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)

 GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

 Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

 Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

 Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

 Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.

 Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.

 Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.